Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere

   Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.

   Stop petting my peeves!

   I was trying to impress my new boss, but it turns out that "collage" is NOT a fancy way to say "college".

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.

   If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right.

   Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.

   If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts. If you have the law on your side, pound the law. If you have neither on your side, pound the table.

   If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."

   Have you ever noticed that lOl looks like a man drowning?

   What jugglers do best 1. Juggle 2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

   For Sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Cheap. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   I hate it when I eat my last bite, not realizing it’s the last bite, then immediately get sad because I wasn’t able to mentally prepare.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web was connected by a string, and two cups.

   It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

   It's hard to believe we made it to the top of the food chain given half our limbs are nearly useless...

   Marriage is the main cause of divorce.

   I was a whisker away from winning 'Beard of the Year' recently.

   My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

   I just got gas for $1.99! And no it wasn't at Taco Bell.