Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For once in my life I think I found a new diet that really seems to be working for me! That called " I better not eat too much as I'm starting to run low on toilet paper"

   HOUSEWIVES: Save money on expensive gadgets by changing your name to Alexa and obeying random instructions from everyone in your household.

   Had to go to the grocery store to buy some more supplies and couldn't help but notice how clean some people's hands were who smelt like they hadn't showered in weeks.

   With the stay at home order in some states, I wonder how soon it will be before we start hearing about people going stir-crazy like Jack Nicholson in the movie The Shining.

   Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

   There are two key elements to success. 1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

   Everyone knows that Santa lives at the North Pole, but does anyone know where the Easter Bunny lives?

   I just burnt 330 calories in about 30 minutes. And thats the last time I look at facebook with a pizza in the oven!

   I just wanna take a vacation and get nastier than a black jelly bean

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot

   If your getting together with your 10 piece band to make a "Social Distancing Video" I think you've missed the point of social distancing.

   f you're not offending anyone here, you're not trying hard enough.

   How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?

   Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.

   If things are slippery when wet, then why is it so hard to get socks on my wet feet?

   I went to the zoo today and saw the elephants . . . but I don't want to TALK about it!

   A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.

   i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.

   Every dog has it's day . . . mine has his on the first day of March at H&R Block and usually ends up with a huge tax refund!

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.