Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Year's resolution is to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends.

   Permanently deleted my Facebook account and going back to the old way of social networking called talking.

   Every Final Destination movie ending: Death wins, everyone who survived the accident in the beginning, dies.

   Men are NOT pigs. Pigs are gentle sensitive and intelligent animals.

   Oh, you have anxiety? Name 5 friends who secretly hate you.

   People who wake up at 2am to have sex, what’s that like?

   You know you're a VW bus driver when you start out speeding towards a hill, and still end up at the top with a line of cars behind you.

   A new poll says that 53% of shoppers start the day after Thanksgiving. The other 47% are men.

   Sorry if I end up in your dms this snow ❄🏂 got me sliding everywhere 🤭

   With the new year my plan is to conquer a mountain! also known as finish folding the clean cloths piling up on top of the dryer.

   I'm making some big changes this year, so if you could see this Facebook post you're not one of them.

   Now days crappy guys only want one thing from a woman. Back in the old days, they wanted them to also do the dishes and keep house.

   Guilt is simply God's way of letting us know that we're having a real good time.

   the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

   Perk of being ugly: Your phone battery lasts longer.

   Last night I made the last of the dishes on the Huffington Post list of "25 Foods You Have To Eat Before You Die." So I guess this is goodbye.

   I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

   Wonder if those tide pod eaters were on to something if soap kills the Coronavirus?

   Today is national wear your pajamas to work day. Didn't that start when the stay at home orders went into effect?

   sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth