Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My therapist just prescribed all new meds for my March madness.

   Have you ever been on an elevator talking to someone (about nothing top secret really) and when anyone else walks in; everyone shuts up? Such a strange phenomenon...

   its kinda hard to hide the fact that you farted in the bus when the only other person in it is the driver and you know both of you can smell it

   to the dude who is "board" try pgs 1075 - 1080 somewhere in their I swear I totally lmfao.

   trying to remember how to read, but these letters are distracting me! >_<

   just been outside and got hit on the head by a lasagne, black forest gateaux and a garlic bread .... must be the fall out from iceland

   touche volcano insurance salesman touche

   Sometimes its ok to lie, these are referred to as little white lies. Or at least its better than telling ur girl about that one night you went to the strip club and.....

   What is the generic brand name for Viagra? Mycauxaphallon.

   watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide

   seen Willy's Wonka and is not impressed.

   wondering if a strap-on is considered as an artificial limb?

   owns youtube, facebook, gmail, messenger and microsoft office. Now will you go out with me?

   The Chinese are so advanced in technology, that they are already selling "Fifa World Cup 2010, South Africa - All the goals and highlights"

   ever sat in the parking lot at walmart and honk at random people and watch their reaction? hahaha

   busy playing with his Shake Weight.

   If I go without sun much longer I am going to turn into a bat and fly to my castle......

   ‎is So,.. Just in case all Hell does freeze over, What's your Number?"

   I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

   Time is never wasted when your wasted all the time!!