Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just used my Dollar General receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.

   If I owned a book store, I'd rename the Romance section "Fantasy", because common ladies....

   [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*

   "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

   Just enrolled in college to be divorce lawyer and become a millionaire since gay marriage is now legal

   Sorry I took a little long to decide however it's better late than never..As of today I am also breaking up all my business relationships with ‪#‎Trump‬

   a restraining order just her way of telling me she's into bondage?

   7: Dad, why did you name me after a number?..... "It was an odd time in our lives, son"

   The only thing that gets turned on when I get naked is the shower.

   This fish is so raw it's starting to swim in my soup.

   If Cocoa Beach isn't made of hot chocolate, I don't wanna hear about it.

   "And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"

   I get turned on when women use the voice they use to talk to dogs ...

   It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it "Indecent Exposure" but whatever.....

   I don't know what it is But it's on sale!

   The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer

   Just landed my dream job of "before" picture!!!

   Almost time for "New year the new me, 2016 is mine bull$hit. Your life sucked last year and it will suck again in 2016

   Get back here you stupid b*tch so that I can love you.

   Fellas what if your soulmate is dating a lesbian right now?