Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ladies that still wear one-piece bathing suits: Nope.

   n't it funny that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom? Coincidence? I think not!

   George Clooney could have any woman he wanted. Yet he's out fighting for peace in a third world country... What a moron

   Pictures of the Queen naked....Oooops! This isn't Google.....

   Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a women asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ

   My wife is going to crap when she sees I've fixed the toilet

   would like to crack a dope joke...but sympathies to Houston's family!

   Wonder if being a parcel delivery person has its UPS and downs.

   consulting the "magic 8-ball" for al decisions today!

   hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   feeling down and the only one who can cheer her up is nowhere to be seen

   If dinosaurs no longer exist... then why the hell is barney still alive?"

   s on a Facebook Dating Application!!.. And You Wouldn't Believe All these Celebrity Looks-A-like's that want to Hook up with me!! I'm Gonna be Dating a girl that looks like Miley Cyrus Suckahs!!"

   answering the phone..county morgue, you stab em, we'll slab em

   MMMmmmm just saw an ad for the New Playstation "Move".......... looks amazingly like Wii........ 3 years later...Way to stay on top of your game there Sony... just like coming out with your MP3 player after the I-Pod.....

   all females should smile it's the second best thing you can do with your lips

   Ok Charlie , If thats winning I want to be a loser the rest of my life

   Come on Rob Zombie, where's some more horror films?!

   87% of the time I'm on facebook, I'm taking a poop!

   I like my women like how I like my dogs. Loyal, color-blind, and my best friend.