Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this *monster* eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

   Reason # 65 why I hate winter: Water heater is set to 211 because the tap water is 33...

   Stupid Question: Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?

   Some couples experience a deep, unconditional love that transcends words and exists as happiness in its purest form. I have that with vodka.

   I don't care what friend facebook suggests. I'm not poking McDonald's.

   spilled an energy drink on the floor and my two chihuahuas licked it up before I could clean it... they are now both doing push ups

   I'm sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can't I do the same for Easter!!!??

   If by "brighten your life" you mean I set you on fire than yes I here to brighten your life!

   Some people would make horrible serial killers because they wouldn't be able to resist the urge to take pics of their victims and murder scenes and post them on their FB and tagging people in it.

   Pro tip: If you use the rest room at Wal-mart, it will be more sanitary if you *don't* wash your hands afterwards.

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see a couple of rabbits frolicking in a summer meadow.

   Anne Davies passes away and on the same day her twin sister Phil Mickelson is in the news for insider trading. What are the odds?

   I'm watching the same movie thats been on all week..."Complete Signal Loss"

   Sheen 2016! Because there's nothing more bipartisan than tiger blood

   I think you meant to say, "Leave things that don't exist alone you idiots"

   I'm just over here slow clapping at your failures.

   That's the last time I spend the week listening to INXS seeking relationship advice....totally just got left hanging.

   Never underestimate the lawyer of a champion

   Mar7hall vs BEiO They are back like 2 years ago.

   whenever I see a can of Glen 20, I think to myself "do you reckon that's Ben 10's older brother?" Then I laugh. And wonder how other people put up with me.