Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know I am not getting any action when my wife comes to bed wearing skinny jeans. Thats her code for you piss me off so you not getting any tonight.

   When your last name is Weiner, don't get caught doing things with your weiner.

   FEMALE SHOP assistants. When a car mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed, and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

   Cop: Sir, did you know that one of your tail lights is burned out? Me: Well......I certainly wouldn't be driving drunk in front of a cop, now would I?! I'll get that fixed right away.......Thanks

   I have zero interest in joining Parler. It's a safe haven for right wing conspiracy theorists, much in the same way FB is for the left. Where can we find truth? I'll tell you this, it's not from biased social media sites.

   What a shock. Young white guys defending a mediocre SB half time show.

   All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   Q. What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe? A. The canoe will eventually tip.

   America and Britain are having a competition on who can f*ck themselves up the most. Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

   Are you bored and broke? Do you have 40 spare hours to fill every week ? Would you like to earn thousands of dollars a month? Then get a job like the rest of us you bumb.

   For one whom claims they don't watch CNN, they seem to know alot about what's being said on their shows.

   Red sox clinch world series. L.A. Dodgers won't have to go to white house. So who's the real winner?

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   Feminist alright: but excluding opening doors, paying the bill, fight a bully, move furniture, ladies first. If those things aren't done prepare for "oh chivalry is dead & wow, such an Ae-hol!" continued.

   🎶Take me down to the Vatican City, Where Donald Trump is mean and the Pope is witty🎶

   Trump: I love making people who already hate me hate me more.

   ''Breaking News ' Randy Travis was arrested at his home today for digging up BONES at a local cemetery

   Just wondering, will there be any Transgendered bathrooms at the Republican National Convention this summer?

   You always know when random, clean, friendly people come talk to you in the street it's because they want you to join their religion.

   The girl I like said yes! She wants to marry me! It's like this gun I'm pointing to her face is magical.