Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wish my wife loved me like my cat does but she refuses to come in while I'm sh!tting and lick my leg.

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."

   I'm so lazy I have to Google search "Facebook" just to go to their website.

   FINALLYYYY got a chance to sit down today... Too bad I'm still at work and the place I'm sitting is on the toilet : /

   If aliens attack earth we should all act like we dont hear or see them.

   Sometimes we must destroy something in order to rebuild it stronger, which is why drinking and liver regeneration are part of my regime.

   I am not really sure I can trust panda express. They say they have talking, emoting pandas that eat meat....sounds too good too be true

   I woke up and didn't see my shadow, so I went back to sleep for 6 more hours. Pretty sure that's doing it right.7

   OMG one of my jokes made it to the first page under the "rating" section! This reminds me of that one time I came in 3rd place in the 4th grade science fair...

   Soulja Boy arrested.Strangly enough it wasnt by da fashion cops.

   Some play hard to get, I play hard to want.

   Most Sundays on Fb.. Hop on see all the Praise the Lord post.. Like a few baby pics.. Have a quick convo wit some friends.Then off to bed..

   Oh you're too good for me?! Last I checked you were knocked up when you were 13...

   Don't put habanero chili in your KY. Your mate will get quite angry.

   Feelings like anger and sadness should probably be embraced. Even though we may not like them, they're all natural emotions and a part of life. After all, the world would most likely be pretty bland if all we felt was satisfaction.

   Have you ever realized how many types of asses there are? SmartASS. DumbASS. CrazyASS. StupidASS. Who knew asses had personalities?

   Just saw on the TV news that the ADHD prescription drug "Adderall" is gotten hard for Pharmacies to keep in stock due to demand and... What was I saying? I lost track, Umm, something about something.

   I like to get paid daily and laid daily. Does anyone know how I can combine the two?

   I'm seeing this really hot chick. Yet I have no friends to tell it to. I mean, it was okay to tell my girlfriend, right? It was okay?

   thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you!!!!