Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just found a turd in my potted plant and I dont have a cat

   Nothing brings two people closer than the hatred of a third person.

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   If I ever find a hot chick's "To Do" list. I'm so adding my name to the bottom.

   As far as I'm concerned, every Coldplay song is called "Nasal Rain."

   Since 2012 will be the end of the world I am going to do things I have never done before; like showing up to work in time, drink responsibly, pay my taxes, respect my elders...screw it, I'm going out with a bang!!!

   My stick figure family is just a burrito, a television, and a bottle of whiskey. Do they make those stickers?

   bThe awkard moment when the only thing you know on your test is your name.

   I don't understand why there's still murder now that you can watch naked chubby women tickle each other whenever you want on your computer.

   Just did that thing where you dump an entire pot of spaghetti on your head and start crying.

   My life's an open Facebook

   It doesn't matter how many times I find myself, coz there'll always be someone telling me to get lost.

   Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."

   When sh!t hits the fan, you have to make the decision to stop chilling with people who throw their own feces at ceiling fans. Seriously guys

   When I get a chick's facebook birthday notification and it's some name I don't know, I'll look to see if she's hot. If she's not...no shout out. I hate myself.

   I think if some people were to actually post something positive on Facebook they would spontaneously combust. Frickin Emos!!

   I am buying a 2013 diary this year because I am an optimistic SOB.

   & who else adds that little pointless arrow - telling your teacher to flip the page over.

   Do personal massagers that don't work end up on the Island of Misfit Sex Toys?

   I was watching Rudolf the other day and I have to call shenanigans, half way through it I realized reindeer can't talk!! Fooled again!