Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   "You can't fight terro0rism with sanctions." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   the government is like my computer....there might just be a problem when it shuts down

   On a scale of 1 to 69, how bad do you want me?

   Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots?

   If I have a son and he ends up having a bigger pen*s then me, does that mean he inherited his pen*s from his mom?

   I like my coffee how I like myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   2,4,6,8 Wichita is not a state!

   If I'm ever in the hospital on Life Support, don't just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   Stop slapping my ass, said no woman ever.

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt

   i was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy I would have nothing to play with!

   getting ready for May 21st (this Friday) which is Talk Like Yoda Day...practicing we should be, hmm?

   is thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate !!

   If I threw all my problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, I'd grab mines back...

   has a message to all Gingers. Let Raoul Moat be a lesson. We will find you and make it look like suicide!

   had to fill out a doctor paper once it said "sex M/F" I didnt know what M or F was so I put"no thanx"

   When you fight with a pig in the mud you both get dirty, but the pig likes it!

   They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.