Funny Status Messages
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I've seen over 10 ladies whose New Year's Resolutions include “Loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too? 
Hey, Dave Grohl...we get it. You hit the drums hard. Now try playing with some dynamics.
Squirting: A lie women with poor bladder control came up with to pee on our beds/faces.
I am woman! Hear me babble until you zone out and then get pissed because you weren't paying attention. Roar.
I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.
wishes Lebron went to The Mets.
went into BP after getting subway. and spilled my slushy all over the floor. and yelled "YOU DONT LIKE HOW THAT FEEELS HUH!" and left.
it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.
I'm so mean, I make my fish watch me eat pizza. And don't offer any.
.ʇı ʎuǝp oʇ ʎɹʇ ʇ,uop .ʍou ʇɥbıɹ ʎɐʍɐ puıɯ ɹnoʎ buıʍo1q
~ Free Tibet! (with purchase of 2nd Tibet of equal or lesser value)
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
a godfather, that's a great thing to be,He calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught him that.
woke up this morning feeling like P-Diddy
I made my man an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he...
despite the clouds... last night's Eclipse was way better than the Twilight movie...
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
I'd think getting a parking spot at the Special Olympics would be tough unless you got there really early
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? El-if-i-no
I am working on writing a new Dr.Suess book..."The Retailer Who Stole Thanksgiving." "He didn't care if he got to eat the jello-o cranberry ring, just so long as he got to hear the cash register sing..." 