Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im never going to a petting zoo with MC hammer EVER AGAIN !!!

   once watched a movie for 30 minutes waiting for a commercial so he could grab a snack -- then remembered it was a DVD.

   I now know what that black stuff is between elephants toenails....slow natives.

   Dear Women, if you have in you're possession sweats with the word 'JUICY' on them, PLEASE for the love of God, do not wear them if, when you do, the "I" is stretched so far that it appears to be a hyphen..Nothin' ( J you )--( C why ) about it...

   Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.

   If I sucked at my job I would want to spend time away from it too and play golf.

   Biden will be the 2nd Catholic (JFK was the first) to ever hold the office of the Presidency.

   Do you know why Beyonce sings "to the left, to the left"... because women have no rights. LOL

   I'ma punch Cap'n Crunch on the roof of his gums if I ever meet him .

   would like to encourage you all to celebrate this 4th of July in a truly patriotic manner: Give a liberal something they utterly deserve and desperately need: A fist across their face. Happy 4th, everyone! Stay safe!

   I think it's cute how dermatologists think they're doctors.

   I NEED JESUS! This lawn is outta control!

   I don't understand how girls could be so in love with a guy one week and the next not even talk to him for no apparent reason

   an episode of Cougar Town? No, sorry. I have plans on watching my car rust

   If you love someone set them free. If they come back with two police officers, it means stalking was not a good idea.

   Prayer is like duct tape. If it's not working, you need to use more of it.

   Guy and Girl in a Cars backseat and she says "Kiss me where it smells".....so he drove her to Newark,

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said "I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle"

   I've seen over 10 ladies whose New Year's Resolutions include “Loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

   Hey, Dave Grohl...we get it. You hit the drums hard. Now try playing with some dynamics.