Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew obama would win.. he's kenyan, and they ALWAYS win races!

   it's 76 in Miami. Global warming or just sweaty Cubans??

   If God made me in his image, does that mean he has a third nipple too?

   Its raining today, I guess my neighbors can't go to work today........They are mexican

   FACT: If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.

   James Bond's favorite bartender is Michael J Fox.

   Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. Others drink Beer so the world circles around them.

   Never give up on your dreams. You can go from Slovakian call girl to First Lady if you put your mind to it.

   Steve Jobs dies....Hmmm...That's even more jobs lost during Obama's watch.

   so happy that McDonald's doesn't sell hot dogs. I just don't think I could order a "McWeiner" with a straight face! Don't even get me started on super-sizing

   So let me get this right, I cant legally smoke marajuana, yet I can go to my local gun store and buy a Semi Automatic Machine Gun, a couple of grenades and all the ammo I want? Now who's the one that's been smoking something here?"

   Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal...and you wonder why they attack you.

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! D Troen

   would be high on Life, but she doesn't want to snort the milk.

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films."Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   Big win for the Catholic church as Pope Francis takes Time Magazine's person of the year barely edging out finalists tea bagger Ted Cruz, prostitute Miley Cyrus, and worst president since Jefferson Davis Barack Obama.

   uh huh you know what it is.. green and yellow.. green and yellow..

   Trump has repeatedly broken at least 4 of the 10 commandments: Adultery, theft, dishonesty, and coveting. Doesn't read the bible, go to church, ask for forgiveness from God, or repent. Yet the evangelical support him against the will of God.

   Walking thru a spider web instantly turns you into a ninja

   harvesting paperclips from work