Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime..

   Clearly the lifeguard is to blame for letting that many people into the pool. Case closed.

   If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.

   So Donald duck never wore pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist.....what's up with that?

   This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.

   If I could have Superpowers, I think it would be either the ability to fly, the ability to turn myself invisible, or the ability to understand women.

   My pet peeve is when I accidentally impregnate other guy's GF's on the 7th? No, 11th try.

   Donald Trump....make America orange again.

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   I can't be the only one who spits on my banana before eating it...Right?

   I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits

   a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.

   I believe in angels, The kind that heaven sends, I am surrounded by angels, But I call them friends.

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak...

   reportedly "in a relationship" with tiger woods.......

   wants to do it like they do on the discovery channel

   it is so cold here,. that our snowman is begging for a coat.

   My son is on 11 months and can't talk but sometimes I think it's fun to imagine what he would say if he could... like this morning; I imagined him saying "Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster

   ♫ Twatwaffle ♫ is the new ♫ Hot Pocket ♫....sing that next time someone pisses you off and I guarantee you aren't going to be pissed for very long.

   Apparently I should have Googled to see how to remove duct tape from my nutsack BEFORE sticking it there. Add that to my list of answers Google cannot find. Ouch. This is not good.