Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you're having a somewhat serious text with someone and "anything" comes out as "anyTHONG"........damn you, touchscreen.

   Then just repost it! Don't put your name Like you are funny or something!

   Thanks to black ops, I think I have enough knowledge to wipe out an entire city of zombies. just run around ina cirlcle.

   May be we all should start a #RIPCharlieSheen trend. He'd be so drunk, It'll take him a while to realise he is not dead.

   Honesty is free and makes you feel good!

   Man if they really made CHILL PILLS, Id have overdosed by now O_o

   I get my kicks attending random funerals and claiming to be the deceased's oldest son from his other family.

   Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

   Extended forecast = AWESOME!!!

   You don't have to fight over who sleeps in the wet spot if one of you is smart enough to flip the mattress over.

   Sky sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D…… What they meant to say was you could watch Rangers in D3. :)

   I don't need a watch to tell me that my time is now or never.

   All fun things are taxed... and there is even a tax on sex... it's called children.

   If everything goes as planned, by this time next year, I will have had a tremendous amount of work done.

   Your outlook determines your outcome!

   I call dibs on his armored train for Christmas!

   I wish the phrase “I had my tree flocked” was as dirty as it sounds.

   waking up early is for the birds....

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   How wonderful the world is, when your in it !