Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house?

   had it up to here!! (raises hand above head)

   Basketball players took the phrase"grow up" too literally.

   How long until Justin Bieber releases a cover of Billie Jean? "♫ She's just a girl who says that I am the one... But the kid is not my son! ♫"

   Oh it's on like a pops rocks blow job!!

   Good girls get presents, Naughty girls get money. - by Order of SANTA CLAUS.

   Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   Just saw one my friends post a status saying "if you ♥ your FACEBOOK ;) #Likke".....Truth is no one really likes FB its just an addiction.

   Winners never quit! Quitters never win! But those that never win and never quit are idiots!

   Today in Germany millions of turkeys are giving thanks for being German turkeys

   I tried acting like a responsible adult at work all day yesterday but they sent me home sick

   I'm not talking about Facebook, I want to know how to block you in real life.

   Remember, there are two ways to order a Filly Sandwich now. Thanks Horse Killers for the options.

   You know you are useless when no one is ever scared of losing you.

   I wonder what Jesus said when Judas "Unfollowed" Him?

   What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

   The passing out bit and the snoring is actually part of it, so yeah, a man's org@sm is so much longer than a woman's.

   Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Dave?".. "Dave who?".. "Dave, Dave."

   When someone gives you their futon, they are basically saying "you should sleep where my girlfriend got pregnant by some other dude".

   A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.