Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PS4? Pshhhhh…. When I was a kid I had to blow into my video games to get them to work.

   A guy gets out of the shower and and says to his wife, "So what do you think of this?" She says, "You're like a country breakfast." "Oh yeah, how so?" She says, "Fat belly 2 eggs and sausage."

   Have sex a bunch of times and suddenly you're expected to "answer her calls" and "act like you know her in public". Women are so confusing.

   Poor Duane will have to Wade till next year.

   My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   doing push ups with my tongue.

   A bunch of old dudes-Rat Pack. A bunch of middle aged dudes- Brat Pack. A bunch of teenage dudes- Whack Pack

   Well, I wouldn't exactly go so far as to say NO diggity...

   Just changed my iTunes password to "password".... and now I just have to wait for all of my nudes to be leaked.

   sex addict is someone who likes to have sex, just like everyone. their condition is called being alive.

   This iPhone 6+ is how many inches? my pants only has room for one thing with more than six inches. (ladies, the queue starts here)

   I hate it when I think i'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home they are just regular donuts.

   it me? Or do these new iPhone 6 issues have a lot of people bent out of shape?

   Thank god the Beastie Boys fought for my right to party I'm just sitting on my couch though

   hey terrorists, leave the Canadians alone. Pick on someone of your own size.

   I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.

   Giant spider in my room last night and firefighters took half an hour, they obviously don't understand "emergency"!

   I used to think you were special. Then I got to know you.

   If all the women on Facebook were laid end-to-end I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

   What? No toilet paper. Well, goodbye socks.