Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains?

   I have Park Place and Boardwalk from McDonald's Monopoly game. I don't play these stupid games, so if you want them inbox me.

   Newt Gingrich just said he was "a pretty good debater" I wish he would have said he was a "master debater" instead so I could write something funny about it!

   Quick! Somebody come up with a Donna Summer post, because according to reports, Summer won't be coming around any more.

   Woman, us men salute you. Your ability to take a load in the eye and up the nose when we miss your mouth, like a champ, is recognised

   After spending over millions of dollar on the Election Campaing, I heard Romney is broke now..... He can clean up my neighbors yards with all them Rep. signs, i'll pay him in food stamps.

   Boston fans always bring up the total team salary of New York when the Yankees lose, yet they never mention Red Sox have MLB's 2nd highest payroll and still failed to qualify for playoffs. Translation = Yankees spend wisely, Red Sox do not. Case rested.

   wants everyone to remember that when it seems like God has turned His back on you and He seems so far away....remember this...He's not the One that moved.

   Hillary's already working on her 2020 re-election campaign

   I'm happier than a retard in a bubble wrap factory ...

   "I'm gonna name a beer called responsibly, so the other companies advertise for me ... "Drink Responsibly"

   stop the bus let my friend jack off...

   thinks the GOP's new nickname, the party of "No" is perfect....they have no ideas, no brains, no balls, no candidates worth a damn', and no history of success.

   depressed because you walked in the room. Where's my happy pills

   s house is on fire (mood:calm)

   what she said

   Mindy Mccready committed suicide, your move Justin Beiber!

   During sex, I'll bite, scratch, swear and pull hair but it only seems to encourage uncle Brian.

   Do you like dragons? Because I'll be dragon my balls across your face.

   writing a Christmas list: Shamwow, Snuggie, Flowbee and... a Chia Pet