Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wine is constant proof that God loves us & loves to see us happy:)

   would much rather check my facebook than face my checkbook

   when you go to the doctor & he wants to shake your hand, do you wonder what he did to his last patient with that hand & if he washed it before shaking yours?

   When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi down here?!?”

   People are judging you right now. you dont need everyone 2 like u. Its your people that matter. Those who dont give an F change the world. The rest do not. Do things that you consider embarrassing. Accept awkwardness. Refuse boundaries. Live.

   Tried to buy a Harley today but they said I had no balding as of yet?

   B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Intelligent Tough Courageous Humorous... Just the way women should be...

   Don't be too confident and happy just because he calls you his boo. First, find out how many hoes out there he calls that too. Don't be blinded and fooled by sweet nothings.

   SOMEBODY'S gotta be the best fu*k in town, and it happens to be me.

   Server Maintenance is scheduled for December 16 @ 8:00pm EST. Stay tuned for a new layout! More

   HAVE YOU FOUND A REAL JOB YET?!!!!! no,i've been searching for a FAKE job that'll pay me FAKE money,to pay all my FAKE bills off,so when I retire,i can move to a FAKE retiree home in florida.

   •Keep the smile. •Leave the tear. •Think of joy. •Forget the fear. •Hold the laugh. •Leave the pain. •Be joyous till i. post again!.

   You can spend 7 bucks on a 6 pack of Bud Light or you can just take a piss in your mouth for free.

   "My God, they spilled glass shards, tacks and honey on this floor. How will we get it up?" Law & Order: Special Vacuums Unit

   The ground hog in my back yard never seen his shadow...but he had an erection what does that mean...

   trying to find a radio station that isn't milking the Whitney Houston death-machine.

   I was sitting having a poo as you do and thought, wow you know, they should hook something up to the flush button that activates an applause. That would be so cool.

   when a kid says a cussword some parents & babysitters will wash their mouth out with soap....if you type a cussword does that mean you should wash ur hands?

   Whenever someone comes out and tell the world that they are gay, I always feel the urge to ask if they are the "pitcher" or the "receiver"

   Due to the retarded faces some girls like to make and the fact that it's become cool to be a jerk, nowadays, instead of duck, duck, goose, all you see in pictures is duck, duck, douche.