Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cortana dies at the end of Halo 4. There, I just saved you 6 hours of your life.

   I was so poor growing up, we had to use BOTH sides of the toilet paper.

   No matter how old I get, I think mooning people will always be hilarious.

   GIRL PICK UP LINES: "I want to be the girl that takes your breath away and gives you CPR with my v@gina"

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(

   Andy Murray has done it for the United Kingdom! Yipee!!

   If a girl from Iceland. .an a guy from cuba have a baby ...is it an ice-cube.... lol.. ;)

   Marijuana is a gateway drug to pizza.vThat's all.

   @AnissaClingman: Wtf? I opened this huge lawnmower box and there is no Mexican in it. I thought they were shipped together. Dammit! Who's gonna push it? : /

   Me: How much for a wank? Prostitut: $15 Me: Thanks. I don't want one, I just wanted to know how much I was saving every night

   If Nike made condoms, would their advertizing slogan be "Just do her."?

   Spooning can lead to forking.

   Finally able to check off Bucket list #19 - Surf through New York City

   It should be called a vaninja since I never see it.

   McDonald's is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.

   Dear Lord, if you can't give me a six pack, at least give this other people a pot-belly...thanks!

   My proctologist examines me using a bomb disposal robot.

   kudos to Lance Armstrong for having the ball to come clean

   I think it's suiting for the letter 'y' to be at the end of the word of each day, it makes you question your days a little. Like why does round pizza come in a square box or why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp?

   Thinking ████████████ 99%