Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meatloaf passed out at another concert, but wouldn't cancel the show. No he won't do that, oh no, he won't do that.

   This status is for all those 20 year girls dressed in their underwear with a private contact email address that keeps wanting me to befriend them on facebook. I am 57 years old and the math says 57 goes into 20 a lot less times than 20 into 20. Denied

   I got 99 freinds on FB and TOM ain't one:D

   those who caught speaking in spanish will be paid in pesos...

   going to have you naked by the end of ths status

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   would really appreciate an Aussie Kiss right about now...Yep! Down Under!

   happy that President Obama recently visited India. Maybe now we can start sending jobs in Congress offshore.

   A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool...

   Two iPhones got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful... Aparently they held it in the wrong place

   Looking through a girls photos and thinking "slut..slut..slut..slut" :D

   Well in happier news....Abe Vigoda is still alive!!

   Did you hear about the new Austalian diet? It's called Swim Fast.

   My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...

   Maybe the Pope finally found Jesus.

   Vegas has the Ravens as a 9.5 point underdog against the Pats but the Ravens are a 3 body favorite in possible murders.

   Stop with the Chik Fil A jokes... that joke is as stale as your mothers breast milk

   When my mom texts me, I respond, "Can't talk now, I'm driving I'll call you when I ge" then ignore all texts and calls for 4 hours./.Hi-larious

   Dear Maroon 5: You can borrow my phone as long as you promise never to sing again.

   Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.