Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a speeding ticket yesterday...But my attorney, Rudy Giuliani, plead it down to 1st Degree Murder.

   *Maury opens envelope*......................"Necessity IS the mother of Invention!"....... *Necessity jumps up and throws chair across stage*

   Basiji, in Iran, calls "Death To America" not the whole nation – Basijis are some minority brain-washed people like you who wrote this statement. The Radical party intimidates - forces - people and brings them to street.

   "Mirror, mirror; on the floor.... Who's got the biggest hemorrhoids of them all?"

   Trump is totally that Chucky doll all grown up and running for President. Here's Chucky, Here's Trumpy!!!

   I LOVE JESUS, you don't have to be a bitter atheist about it, I'm just expressing my sentiment with the majority of the people here. I LOVE JESUS

   When looking up Gary Oldman on Google make sure you don't leave out the 'R'..

   Hi. I'm a hot single chick. But I can't be in a relationship because I have to cater to my two lazy, spoiled teenage brats 24/7/365.

   Now wait a minute, y'all This status ain't for everybody?"Only the sexy people. So all you fly mothers, get on out there and “Like” “Like”, I said!"

   So, what has the Queen ever done for us?

   Then God said, “Let there be Internet drama”; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home.......

   I have watched, line by line, as a picture of a topless girl tries to load through a 28.8k modem onto a pentium II -only to see it fail at nipple level

   if her rims are worth more than her car, she's too hood for you bro

   Baby seal walks in a bar. Bartender: "what'll you have?" Baby Seal: "Anything but a Canadian Club"

   I'm giving up Religion for lent...

   Scott Walker for President......of Libya!

   a little rusty with my Spanish so I'm gonna go ahead and assume "beunos tardes" means "so long, you f****** retards."

   WARNING:I can change from sweet and innocent to B***H in 3,2 seconds...

   Girls its the summer time please dont walk around here in sandals with hideous feet...thats what you get for wearing Ugly aka UGG Boots lmao