Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't listen to songs you loved in high school while you're drunk & cry as you text your HS gym teacher, than neither do I.

   just read where Ashton Kutcher is divorcing from his grandmother, how will I ever sleep a sound sleep tonight?

   Happy endings only ever exist if you find a good masseuse. Other than that they are nothing but a fairytale!

   Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

   I never make the same mistake twice. Except for that time in Thailand. But in my defence they had really small atoms apples.

   A relationship with no trust is like a cell phone with no service. You can only play games.

   Looking into one of those non attorney spokesman gigs.

   "Eww, I'm so ugly." Like oops I think you spelt "I want attention" wrong. Confidence is key ladies.

   What superpower would I want? The ability to know if the bite of food is rotten or moldy BEFORE I stick in my mouth and chew!

   I just bought Monopoly, 2011 special edition. It's really not fun to play. The banker always wins.

   GOP budget to slash disease research? Now we'll NEVER find a cure for Bieber Fever!

   I am dreaming to became rich...just like my father..."is your father rich?" ...no! he is dreaming too

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.

   It's not your fault you guys aren't funny... but thanks for the effort in trying.

   Heading to Victoria's Secret® to grope the Mannequins..Anybody need anything??

   the 7 deadly sins? ummmm....male camel toe, double dipping, backseat driving, gossiping, donkey punching, stink and not having a bell on your bike

   What's this I hear about some 19 year old girl getting Justin Bieber pregnant? Is it possible that 2 women can pregnate a child?

   The sign says NO DOGS unless handicap assisted...what are you blind?!!!

   I didn't want to be that creepy guy, so instead of gawking at the woman at the gym, I licked the sweat off her treadmill.