Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.

   A lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and a lady in the basement and a lady in the shed. This crime scene is awful

   Would you like a table?" "No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please"

   Just shut up already. If I wanted to hear your opinion all the time I would have married you !

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Trent Richardson's sex tape is acually a series of tapes which average less than 2.9 minutes. Trent never busts a long one and he often struggles to find the hole.

   The founder of McAfee Anti-Virus running away from the Law? Maybe Norton can detect him better!

   I went to the store to buy a Hallmark card that says " So sorry you are unemployed and homeless" I am crossing my fingers that you get your house back, sue the bank and never have to work again.

   Times are short and Money is hard... Here's Your Effin Christmas Card!!!

   when asked about the Lakers struggles lately, Kobe said, "Dude, I got away with rape so it's no biggee..."

   WTF.... (welcome to facebook)

   "Yeah. I wanna watch you rub your clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." - I'm done with autocorrect.

   I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.

   Phrases i'll never understand... #71 - "You better hunker down if you want to finish on time." Seriously? Hunker Down???

   Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling “I LOVE YOU!”

   Carnival to Rename Cruise Ships 'floating nightmare 1, floating nightmare 2, floating nightmare 3, floating nightmare 4, floating nightmare 5 etc. etc. etc.'

   Telling a woman to calm down while she is drunk works about as well as baptizing a cat.

   Did you ever notice how a woman's “I'll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I'll be home in 5min” are one and the same?

   going downtown to throw snowballs at random pedestrians in an,attempt to make a couple friends who understand what I'm going through.

   City girls slip and slide, Country girls grip and ride!!