Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's that word to describe the aching sadness of missing someone you've never met? Oh yeah, INSANITY.

   I used to love your updates. Then you pissed me off, and now your updates piss me off too.

   Make me sleep on the couch so I know our love is real.

   That uneasy moment when you cant remember if you like her, miss her, hate her, love her, if you know her...

   I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.

   Harlem Shake....Off a cliff

   When I die am donating my corpse to the ground.

   I got 66 problems coz my life is upside down!

   It has been a over year since I've been with women.... I think I need to start collecting cats?

   Don't twerk in front of me and expect me not to gravitate towards that ass

   Huma Abedin - because having to whip out an ID or debit card with "Huma Weiner" on it and expecting people to suppress the involuntary giggles is just too much.

   NEVER mix internet p0rn and mountain dew. Trust me on this one

   gang related violence has went up 50 percent in my house since I took the kids play station from them

   I just saw a commercial for Air Wick's new National Parks scents...does this mean that they've added a "hint of smoke" smell to Yellowstone's fragrance?

   glow in the dark condoms are so much more fun for Star Wars fans.

   Okay so you wake up to a naked Mickey Rourke in your bed....what mixture or drugs and alcohol do you take to kill yourself?

   I bet before the judges enter their courtrooms, they smack each other on the ass and say, "Now get out there and do some justice."

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver!

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.

   Rocky Mountain High? John Denver was able to foresee the future! Well, except for the whole running out of gas in an airplane thing.