Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sings (Mele Kalikimaka) Lennay Kekua is really dead today, the sports networks say, Manti is feeling blue, he's wishing this would all go away

   its Friday so you know what that means. I'm busy memorizing my spontaneous, sassy banter I'll use at the bar tonight!!

   I vehemently deny that I have ever used Status Enhancing Drugs (brb, Oprah is calling...)

   If you treat a guy like a piece of shi t all day at least have the decency to go to his house and laugh when he takes it out on his family.

   if someone tells you it is the inside that counts, that usually means the person they are talking about should stay inside their house.

   If you can't sleep try counting scary sounds your house is making.

   Fair play to Beckham for giving his wages to a children's charity, but lets not forget Rooney has been giving his to the elderly for years.

   Yes I feel great this morning. Thank you wine netti pot.

   Ranch dressing is too a pizza topping! Open your mind-hole and stop hating on deliciousness.

   We all at some point in our lives' think that the who, what & where are not what you thought it to be, but in the end you will have the life with whom you wanted & all the what's accomplished and more importantly be exactly where YOU want to be. Life

   reading Mein Kampf and training the cat in racial purity.

   B*tch please, I can remove 99% of your so called "Beauty" with a kleenex.

   The problem with Chinese New Year is that you're ready for another new year only an hour later.

   When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

   Do you think superhero nemesis's use facebook to see who their friends are?

   Dear douch%bag on the street corner yelling that he has more "swag" than anyone else in this city, do please tell me what store accepts "swag".

   Went for a jog tonight and saw a payphone and I was like ''WTF is that!!!''

   I violently vomit and get overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts whenever I read B EGO's sentimental crap.

   The most humbling, terrifying, self-reflective moment in a man's life is when he realizes his beautiful daughter is attached to a v@gina.

   I’m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn’t work out.