Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   heard that Amy Winehouse didn't do any drugs today. Good for her!

   James Holmes was able to legally buy 6000 rounds of ammo online, and Tommy Chong was put in jail for selling bongs.

   Trump for president!! Come on pple!

   I'm predicting Obama will take an early lead tomorrow. Until all the Republicans get off work.

   Remember,,, Great sex is one involuntary fart away from being funny sex

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass.

   I'm no race car driver, but I haven't killed anyone this week. Yet...

   If the clitoris really wanted to be found it wouldn't hide inside a hood.

   I think they should replace oxygen on the planes masks with laughing gas. I mean you are gonna die anyways at least this way you are happy about it. 

   A little advie: Never EVER buy sushi from the home shopping network.

   They are making a Mexican version of the ‘Sound of the Music'? Sombrer over the mountain…..

   unique just like everyone in here!

   running dangerously low on cheetos

   Wonders who the first idiot was that tried out a Shark proof suit?

   What's on my mind? Let's peer inside and listen... "Meow, meow, meow, meow..." Wow! That was akward. 

   What do the New Orleans Saints and Benny Mardones have in common? They are both one hit wonders....

   hiding hulk behind his zipper!!!

   C.R.E.A.M. - Coffee Rules Everything Around Me

   Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I'm asking for only one.