Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fat people need to accept that being fat isn’t a crime. It’s not a disease. And being called fat isn’t an insult.

   - Little boy writes to Santa: Please send me a sister. Santa writes to little boy: Ok, send me your mother.

   a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says hey your quite a celbrity around here we even have a drink named after you. The grashopper says wow you got a drink named Steve.

   says If the NBA really wanted me to watch, they'd be playing Hockey instead eh!!

   Last week I sent my friend a pile of snow. I called her today and asked "Did you get my drift?"

   .... Hey Hillary supporters, Your here illeagly so you wont be getting a chance to vote..... Well .... Unless she is sooooo Absolutely corrupt .... Then you will!!!!.

   Its called a WATER HEATER people. Not a hot water heater!!

   went to Church the other day and when the plate came to him, he asked what it was for. The man said it was an Offering. So he took it.

   I nominate Stephen Hawkings for the ice bucket challenge.

   I named my iPod 'Titanic' so when I enter it in iTunes it says 'Syncing Titanic' and I feel like a H E R O when I press 'Cancel'

   Oscar Mayer needs to change the labeling on their bacon packages to now read "Excellent source of hangover cure."

   having zero tolerance for the lactose intolerant

   hates it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic

   Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a d*ck.

   Talk about global warming..I just saw a Tiger on the Appalachian trail

   All you need is love. And Valentines Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.

   enjoys when his girlfriend's bikini top accidentally comes off while frolicking in the ocean.

   Can we pretend the air-NO

   Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.

   saw the HILLYBILLY that won the lottery bought a new car - and transfered his bumper sticker "PROUD FATHER of my NEPHEW"