Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't give me that disdainful look like I just learned to eat with chopsticks. I've been misusing them this way for years!

   If you think high waisted pants look good ur high and wasted.

   When I watch TV alone, my thumb is like a park bench for my nuts.

   2011: I'm sexy and I know it. 1836: I am physically attractive and I am aware of this statement.

   so....I almost got beat up in jail last night !....my family takes Monopoly very seriously....

   Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.

   I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during 'If I could turn back time' does she think about killing Hitler.

   Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

   Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends'.

   I'm a problem that you'd be glad to have.

   Pro tip; If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap.

   1 new message: runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic ocean, pushes mom out the way. grabs phone...."k" FUUUUUUU!

   Televison is a chewing gum for the eyes ,,!

   Who said nights were for sleep? ― Marilyn Monroe

   throwing fertilizer at people who need to grow up

   Don't you think it's awkward for most teens today getting a "happy mothers day" for their mistake?

   I hate nerds who coverup their answers. Like come on bro lets work together.

   I wish I had a nickel for every time I wanted to sell weed.

   The difference between intelligence & wisdom is simple. An intelligent person knows what to say. A wise person knows IF& WHEN to say it.

   I don't celebrate valentines day.