Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of my ex's dreams in life was to go on a helicopter ride, so like the good guy I was, I made it come true. She was air-lifted to the hospital after I cut the brake lines on her car

   I had a dream I was checking out my ass in a mirror and it was looking good.

   Dear Karma – I have a list of a few people you missed. Sincerely, Me

   Dear Inventor of the Keyboard, Why did you make the "t" and the "g" so close together? I keep signing my letters "With Retards"

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. *14 mosquitos likes this*

   The only thing I can truly count on in life is a calculator.

   If you're always honest you will never feel stupid.

   People are so quick to shoot down my conspiracy theory that the Illuminati blew up the Challenger just to ruin Punky Brewster's dreams.

   Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

   the sky! ..stop asking

   A video of me trying to get off a water bed would probably go viral on YouTube.

   My grandfather was a wise man, which is probably why every Christmas he only gave me Myrrh.

   Life is to short to bicker and cry before we die.....

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   Never trust a woman who takes pictures from the neck up.

   The lady in front of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

   I can't wait for the MLB all star game!! Said, no one ever...

   Coffee, you're on the bench. Alcohol, suit up.

   If she's not flexible, she's not textible.