Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.

   The Prince in Cinderella thinks he is so macho smooth!... He notices womens shoes and wears epaulettes...yea...thatll throw off the gaayy vibe

   If my name was Mario, I'd end all my relationships with, "It's not you, It's-a me Mario!"

   I walked into the Dentist's office and he asked me what the problem was and I said ''Doc, I think I'm a Giant Moth!'' He said ''You need a Psychiatrist not a Dentist, why did you come in here?'' I told him ''The light was on!!!''

   Every night for almost two weeks I have tuned in to watch the XXX Summer Olympic Games and I must say that I'm disappointed. I have yet to see anything that should be rated R let alone XXX.

   Will somebody write something houmorous, all this one line bile is not funny !!

   Maybe Aaron Hernandez killed Tony Soprano?

   "That comes to $13" "how's this for payment?" *rubs chest sensually* "sir ur body's not legal tender" "why not? i'm legal… and i'm tender"

   My w hite workmate was complaining about how his dog is always leaving its hair all over the house, on furniture, bed and on the carpet. I told him I can relate because my girlfriend is always leaving her weave on my carpet, sofa, bed and in my damn car.

   The stores are packed with folks gearing up for their Easter fashion shows, the same way they do for Christmas. The central figure for both these holidays was reduced to wearing a loin cloth for one, and swaddling for the other.

   She: Your cute. Me: My cute what?

   My friend text me a joke, good thing I was pooping when I got it cause I would have pissed myself

   I am inventing a new language, "Mikeaneese". If you would like, I could perhapsibly give you a free copy

   Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your minde. Feelings and emotions.

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.

   We are not Chemicals.. So We can think before Reacting.

   I always help people when they need it......not when its convenient for me! And I always stand behind my word ...Its called being a man!

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   Baskin Robbins called. They said, "Thanks to you, we're down to 5 flavors."

   *Girl on Facebook* "I need a boyfriend for the winter to keep me warm" ...or you can just buy a coat