Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Build the swamp! Drain her up! Lock the wall!

   Because of the poor economy, we couldn't afford fireworks.  The only snap, crackle, and pop at our house yesterday was when I poured milk on a bowl of Rice Krispies.

   Batman. Not because I have to be. Now because I choose to be.

   I laugh when someone I just met gets mad at me and expects me to care. Like, wtf. I don't give a s**t about you! I don't even know you!

   I would like to make a Facebook page called "Deez Nuts," just to see how many people LIKE Deez Nuts...

   Not all times jokes intended to make you laugh. Some are intended to make you think.

   Deadliest catch, without the crabs, we're almost out of gas, call the Arabs!

   wearing flip-flops, a tropical shirt, and smoking a joint with 3 hippie-chicks between renditions of kumbaya...anybody care to join?

   In my opinion,nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend untill they get married...

   *Boop* I got your nose!...No..you don't...

   had Lady Gaga started her first performance from inside her fathers' condom, last night would have never occurred

   has just been banned from tesco.. apparently you're not supposed to pour water into the bucket marked "Pakistan flood appeal"

   She: "Ummm, I dont think we should, I have I boyfriend." He: "So? I have a skateboard but I'd much rather drive a car"

   Smoking, drinking and you...two things I love.

   1300...yeah, that's a lot of pages. You have no idea how long it took me to go through all of them..

   it means no worries for the rest of your days. it's my problem-free philosophy. hakuna matata.

   excuse me ma'am, how many ping pong balls can you fit in your mouth?

   Word of warning...never sneeze while eating powder donuts and driving all at the same time, it plays hell trying see thru the spray on the windshield!

   Dude whenever I jaywalk I feel like I'm playing a game of frogger x D

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