Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dead Joan Rivers jokes are so 1933.

   Pointing out that what you are doing is dumb and is making you look like an idiot is not judging you. It’s called caring.

   One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.

   My son asked me what it was like to have three kids so I went into his toy room, broke all his stuff, then made him get me a beer.

   wondering why the hair on her legs grows so much faster than the hair on her head!

   dont think of it as another day since you've last seen someone think of it as one day closer to seeing them again -RIP-

   "Barcelona expected to win. They have had an incredible surprise at the San Siro. Then we understood... they had fear". - Jose Mourinho

   I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.

   GUMP 2010: Shrimp is the fruit of the Gulf. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabob in oil, shrimp creole in oil, shrimp gumbo in oil, pan fried in oil, deep fried in oil, stir-fried in oil. There's pineapple shrimp in oil, lemon shrimp in oil, thats about it.

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.

   If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

   I think that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

   save the trees, smoke a cigarette.

   giving my liver a pat on the back for holding up this weekend

   somewhat annoyed that finding midgets, painting them green and making them make chocolate is an offence.

   setting up a mike's hard lemonade stand at the street corner. I dont ID! hurry and get 'em while they're cold!

   I just bent down to pet my cat, and it wasn't my cat. It turns out to be a sweater crumbled on the floor. I need better glasses!

   If Pluto is a dwarf planet and not a real planet, are dwarf people not real people?

   If you don't like music, you're probably deaf.

   I think the best thing about being in the house of a hoarder is that you can take stuff home with you and they would never even notice.