Funny Status Messages
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Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?" 
Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.
I'm glad that Christmas is over so I don't have to see that no talent ass clown who became famous and started winning Grammys on Honda commercials anymore!
There's no crying in Vodka
Highway slumber party tonight in Atlanta, free urinal and feces bucket..
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
When I was growing up we didn't have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear.
I'm regreterosexual.
I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.
church is the weirdest place ever, they form a choir and then force everyone in the congregation to sing.
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know" that you're an as$-hole.
The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce
Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!
When my wife asks me to hold her purse, I look cool by looking over my shoulder nervously as if I'd just snatched it.
Amongst all the beautiful women in this world.. There's always an idiot ex-boyfriend, who still expects her love again.
So she says "I don't need a boyfriend, I have my 'toys'" I say "but your toys won't wake you up @ 4am like a good boyfriend will do for you"
Studies say that self inflicted bow and arrow suicides are down 1000 % since 1755.
American people are not evil people. If given the right information they will do the right thing. The problem lies with their lack of information/incorrect information. Robbin - I concur
I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.
Apply NRA Logic To Anything: My best friend's cat would have been alive if he'd been able to defend himself against quantum mechanics. 