Funny Status Messages
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Everything about you is sweet and kind and perfect. I can help you change that. 
Deleting ppl from FB has become the new way to hang-up on ppl. I still miss the feeling I get from hanging-up the phone on someone face!!
In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.
There's no "i" in ignorant.
Sippin' Grillin' Chillin'... MERICA
I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had
My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.
"Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey
Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.
If attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler !!!
I'm gonna survive tomorrow cause I got a pack of sensu beans and all 7 dragonballs. I'm good.
"You are what you eat" That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...
I'm sitting next to a fat bulldog and you have the nerve to blame ME for that stinker, woman?.....(well played I say to myself).
bored? send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body" what's next boss?
La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....
I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands...
Daries Allani @Dallani She had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her Prince Charming... ...and by "kiss" I mean "blow" ...and by "frogs" I mean "black guys"
Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.
My neighbour: ' I don't mean to complain, but...' Me; ' Then don't. ' Slams door in face...
I've just been to the local Tesco Extra. Now, I don't know what's in their meat but I can tell you they've certainly got a right cow on the checkout. 