Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.

   Every Colt grows up to be a Bronco

   alone with my thoughts and 8 lbs of reeses cups and kit kats

   I called the Atheist Dial-A-Prayer line. No one answered.

   I guess properly inflated balls really do make a difference. Who knew?

   Americans, fear not. If Donald Trump wins the upcoming U.S. election, Cape Breton Island is ready to welcome Americans looking for refuge in Canada.

   The least I should get for paying all that money into 0bamacare, is a monthly update and photo of the person I'm sponsoring.

   My biggest spiritual accomplishment is that I'm voting for Bernie but am still capable of talking to a Hillary supporter like a human being.

   Science Fun Fact: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light or get higher than Snoop Dogg.

   People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world

   With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   People say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

   Sadly, even a "Hello Kitty" shaped turd would probably sell on eBay

   If an astronaut killed another astronaut on the moon, would he be arrested when he got back to earth? The only person on earth that can decide this is Miss Universe.

   The box for my new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.

   ...but where I come from, rain is a good thing.

   Saying that an iPhone is the best phone because of the battery life is like saying my bicycle is the best car when it comes to fuel economy.