Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   n't making any New Year's resolutions. I'm still working on the ones from 2003.

   I wish I was made up of 5 midgets, like a human Voltron.

   YAY! I just won Australia's Next Top Model.... no wait, they was a mistake? How could this happen?

   I befriended Tom from Myspace on Facebook lol

   Going to go back in time and have sex with all the Golden Girls, and Angela Lansbery.

   just got a painting of David Carradine and I hung it in my closet.

   Penn State University.......Pedophile U

   You and your fat girlfriend standing next to each other looking like the number 10

   ................................................................U know when guys pee and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ..............................................That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   A new drug has been developed for lesbi@ns with depression. It's called "Trycoxagain"

   Q: why do military men wear uniforms at their weddings??.... A: to be prepared for "The Battle" afterwords...

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   "Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7)

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you will wish you had a club and a spade.

   Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

   Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse...

   The Duck Dynasty guys need to to look in their beards, I'm sure there's a few ducks in them...

   Do you ever wake up and just say "nope" and then roll over and go back to sleep

   I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.

   don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines!!