Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Martin Sheen would be the best President, let's all vote him in.

   I wonder if my cat thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream?

   Put down my club? Oh, you meant vote?........I thought Bernie wanted a Revolution?

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit

   Then stop blaming all gun owners for the actions of one.

   Come on people I don't think we are ready for a woman president!! I can't believe no ones asking her the important questions like can she cook!!!

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   In The News: Supreme leader Comrade Kim Jong-un,. Reprimands: Jang Song Thaek, vice chairman of North Korea's highest decision-making body... "When I said to Nuke the Chinese, I meant for you to put the Kung Pao Chicken in the microwave".

   Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect. ANYTHING!

   British airways had a plane turn around because of a smelly poop. I need help turning that into a joke

   Free weed > free drinks

   At air shows in Japan, they have to get new pilots every year.

   "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   i hate when people think their special and that my p0sts are about them....

   I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!

   I just had to cancel my Christian Mingle account... they found out I was on JDate.

   Just Heard Donald Sterling is planning on buying the Boston Bruins once he sells the Clippers!

   I have the patience of a recently escaped serial killer.