Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   USA is a heavy favorite to take gold in Team Trwerking at the Olympics.

   Stop pretending like you don't wanna hug

   It is just a fact that some people are not comedians no matter how hard they try

   Looking for a girl who goes down as quickly as my phone battery...

   Why can't bakers count?

   Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

   Maybe her drawn eyebrows are all she has left.

   On Canada Day you are allowed to kiss a beaver; and Parks Canada can't do nothing about it ... it's in the constitution.

   You know youre getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing monkey? me hanging a tire swing in the kitchen: not a clue.

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now

   (1620).. We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm...*Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse,, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.

   The Dallas Cowboys finally made it through a Sunday without losing.

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   Steve Harvey got high with Colombians and made a mistakes.

   know what my New Year's resolution is going to be. But I'm not going to share it in case I fail so I won't be held accoutable by anyone but me.

   I love lesbians... Only when they let me

   Hey 2015... Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, you Dirty Mother Fucker!!!

   When I'm staring at you while you're talking I'm like, "What an a-sss!"