Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked her out and she said yes, but sadly I ended up going on a date with her expectations.

   Do I look fat in this? Could you just shut up while I'm having sex with you.

   I don't want a girlfriend because the only thing worse than being lonely is sharing food.

   "Oh, you're gonna eat the peach cobbler first??,, huh fatty??,,,,, You sicken me." - Mean Cuisine

   My wife said no sex tonight. End of discussion. Period.

   Wearing crocs to protect your virginity.

   Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and I throw a rock at it who wins?

   Cleaning out my closet while listening to "Cleanin' out my closet" Priceless.

   I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!

   Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.

   it just me or does everyone look into a mirror and then look for the "Like" button.

   always place women on high pedestals, it helps you look up their skirts better.

   A-Rod, Kobe and Tiger ... perhaps the three most arrogant athletes of our time ... all had pretty bad Fridays.

   Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.

   Umm why the f^ck would I take care of myself? I’ll never be able to retire. Dying young is my only option.

   There's more to Alcohol than life!!!

   I love you so much I'll eat this pizza to prove it.

   My Ex-Wife once asked me to name a star after her...Fugly-McWh0re-B!t ch is the brightest star in the sky!!!

   From the moment I saw you, I wanted 2 be inside You, The way you smell, The way your tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....Gotta love new sneakers.