Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who put a new roll of t.p. on top of a cardboard applicator are far worse...

   It was so cold this morning that I saw a girl with a flannel nose ring

   he drew a flower on the ky intense box.....sigh, ...i love him

   i'd be willin to bet not one of those swamp people EVER thought they'd have their own show

   I write comedy for smart people... that´s why I dont get some of my jokes.

   midgets are the T-Rex's of our species..

   Wanna see if your girl has a real sense of humor? Tell her the ginormous zit under her nose makes her look like Marylyn Monroe!

   My favorite way to piss a girl off is to keep accidentally calling her Nicole.

   all about the status ..bite me...hows that? are ya gonna hand pick this one??

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   Herpes is just a contagious pimple. It's not like other stds, like kids or something.

   Why even hit on chicks this weekend? I've already been fuc$ed once this week by gas prices.

   @flinnie....apparently you think you are the only one that follows stephen colbert on twitter...your not...be original

   If a zombie apocalypse ever happens, we all better hope people who can do parkour don't get infected.

   The Feeling You Get When You're Paying For Something And Can't Find Your Money...

   If life is a highway, that totally explains my inability to merge on to it.

   I would love to meet "Wasn't me" and "I didn't do it". They need to be grounded or spanked for causing a lot of trouble here.

   I still don't like it when the cat brings back dead mice and voles, but at least at this time of year they act like cute little hand warmers as I clear them away!

   Right now what Lindsay Lohan needs more than anything is our caring and understanding. And just a little bit of cocaine if possible.

   Just bought the entire Yoko Ono collection on Itunes. I got the Itunes receipt and they credited me 1,000,000,000 free songs.