Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'd be willin to bet not one of those swamp people EVER thought they'd have their own show

   I write comedy for smart people... that´s why I dont get some of my jokes.

   midgets are the T-Rex's of our species..

   Wanna see if your girl has a real sense of humor? Tell her the ginormous zit under her nose makes her look like Marylyn Monroe!

   My favorite way to piss a girl off is to keep accidentally calling her Nicole.

   all about the status ..bite me...hows that? are ya gonna hand pick this one??

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   Herpes is just a contagious pimple. It's not like other stds, like kids or something.

   Why even hit on chicks this weekend? I've already been fuc$ed once this week by gas prices.

   @flinnie....apparently you think you are the only one that follows stephen colbert on twitter...your not...be original

   If a zombie apocalypse ever happens, we all better hope people who can do parkour don't get infected.

   The Feeling You Get When You're Paying For Something And Can't Find Your Money...

   If life is a highway, that totally explains my inability to merge on to it.

   I would love to meet "Wasn't me" and "I didn't do it". They need to be grounded or spanked for causing a lot of trouble here.

   I still don't like it when the cat brings back dead mice and voles, but at least at this time of year they act like cute little hand warmers as I clear them away!

   Right now what Lindsay Lohan needs more than anything is our caring and understanding. And just a little bit of cocaine if possible.

   Just bought the entire Yoko Ono collection on Itunes. I got the Itunes receipt and they credited me 1,000,000,000 free songs.

   why does my phone always break right about the time I teach my t9 dictionary all the important cuss words? Duck you Verizon. And econ you to hell.

   If you can stay up all night and hoot with the owls then you can get your a$$ up and soar with tthe eagles in the morning

   No wonder my cigar tastes funny... its just a really old hotdog