Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yo Bit&h, Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   My wife has always wanted me to learn to dance. I think I'll learn twerking...

   Married Men are always wrong, period. Or no period. ;)

   It's amazing how students become so serious and focused during final exams week

   I like to think of items outside the grocery store as the "Steal it. We don't give a crap anymore" section.

   My daily pep talk pretty much consists of: It's ok, It's ok, it'll be funny in a few weeks...

   Hello Miss I shave my eyebrows off and draw them back on about an inch to high !!!! Yeah that looks good if your going for the shocked look!!!!

   Ladies, “how was your day?” is a rhetorical question. You don’t really have to answer it.

   There's nothing that screams "originality' like a bar named Cheers.

   A vegetarian that is for the death peanilty.....................wait what?

   Hopefully the guy on the Skywire doesn't have to sneeze anytime soon.. Looks Dusty

   The guy who came up with the spelling of the word Wednesday was probably the same lame ass who showed up to the party on time.

   Move over Belle and Jasmine... Leia is the new #1 Disney Princess...

   You haven't visited my farm on Facebook. Don't you love me anymore? - Crazy Girlfriend

   whether its for you or her. Women want more Mouth in the South.

   One way to keep women out of NASCAR.... Don't throw the Yellow when she's stopped backwards on the race track...

   I miss when a girl hit you it meant she liked you and you chased her around the playground. Now when she hits you, it's with her car.

   After watching E.T. I'm kinda skeptical. If I found an alien in my shed I'd probably be more likely to beat the crap out of it with a shovel than give it Reese's Pieces.

   Hey guys if my wife asks, Facebook pays us bi-annually, that should buy me some time.

   Facebook is not a shower, so keep your clothes on ho!