Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4745 of 6373
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FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.
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08-20-2016 08:46 by Snotty
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Spilled syrup on my Polo this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.
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08-20-2016 20:46
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Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.
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08-21-2016 21:47 by Snotty
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Hey, Happy Birthday! Pick one - the past or the future. Cause I didnt get you a present.
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08-21-2016 21:48
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Sorry kids, Mom's too nauseous to do anymore Disney rides today.
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08-27-2016 02:07
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I bet the cooks at Applebee's are pretty excited about the new James Harden shoe by Adidas.
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08-27-2016 02:09
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Johnny Depp is like that cool guy you looked up to in high school until you went over to his house and saw his night light.
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08-29-2016 04:28
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Why do I do this?... Cuz,, Laughter is an instant vacation
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08-29-2016 08:29 by Snotty
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I left my dorm with my collar buttoned all the way up and returned with it buttoned four buttons down, YOU tell me how my night was....
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09-05-2016 16:14
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FYI: If you're a billionaire and you don't have a private 24 hour Starbucks added to your mansion you're doing it wrong.
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09-10-2016 06:19
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AirBnb improving site. Listings to include questions: "Are you using this apartment/condo/house for a drug-fueled orgy?" "If so, will you pay a $25 cleaning fee?"
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09-11-2016 04:50
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It's great to have pancakes on a special occasion. But I think it might have been better not to put syrup on before I blew out the candles.
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09-15-2016 02:41
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My toddler keeps jumping from the coffee table to the couch. Does anybody know how to turn off airplane mode?
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09-15-2016 15:43
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These medical letters seem pretty legit. Every physical I ever got had the standard line "healthy and fit to serve as president"....
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09-15-2016 15:48
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When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"
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"Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.
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10-10-2016 05:19
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night.
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10-12-2016 01:00
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Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.
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10-14-2016 04:08
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Your significance or importance on this planet must never be determined by another human being other than you.
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10-21-2016 03:51
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Are self driving cars the brothel of the future?
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11-14-2018 13:41
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