Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see NASA is planning a mission to find water on the moon and maybe I'll go someday if they find enough to make a decent cup of coffee with.

   All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

   And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

   Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝

   Who has the guts to tell Shaquille O’Neal that the General has been seen riding around with Snoop Dogg?

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to Corona. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last a week.

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.

   Like a Drifter I Walk Alone. By Whitesnake....and the CDC

   i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.

   Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now

   Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?

   Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star

   You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates

   Dont get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

   Dad Tip: Read fairytales backwards to your daughter. She'll think it's good to give up being a princess for a life of housecleaning.

   45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash.