Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder when people without cars pick their noses...

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

   GIRL TALK: Leaving me gasping for air after we have sex wins you a second round.

   typos are totally acceptable on Fcaeobok...

   Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?

   I miss you. The old you. The new you sucks!

   My imaginary friend is bullying me !! (o.0)

   The best part of having relatives over is that feeling you get when you shut the door behind them as they leave.

   If Aaron Hernandez beats this murder charge, they need to put him on the cover of next year's Madden.

   What if gravity was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always crap on the floor to clean up...... Wait!,, Just hear me out bro.

   I'm schizophrenic. I can have an orgy just by jerking off.

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   If it wasn't for Google or Bing the world would be full of idiots

   I'm more of an Atrophy husband.

   You'd think there'd be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.

   Apparently, sitting down all day makes your bum grow bigger. All I have to do is figure out how I'll start sitting using my chest.

   Yes I'm back in the GYM working on my 6 pack already burned four, two more beers to go.

   I wonder what Billy Ray Cyrus thinks about his achy breakie slut. . .

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and lets go camping in the bear-infested woods.

   60% of the time, it works everytime