Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just when I'm happy to be alive, The Connors comes on.

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   CNN Breaking News: Falcons Playbook was Hacked by Russia!!!!

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   you know who never goes to music festivals?..Bands who sell a lot of tickets.

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   You know how if you lay wrong you put your arm to sleep? Your story just did that to my whole body.

   Hands up if your down to get down tonight!!

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.

   This b itch that started the whole "You can't hurry love" bullsh-it obviously gave terrible blow jobs.

   A broken spirit doesn't stay broken forever. When it's whole again, God have mercy on my tormenters, because I won't.

   Most important thing I learned today: My Talk to kids/Nice voice sounds INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

   Ladies: Invest in men's weakness. Buy sexy lingerie.

   My stalker has never sent me a nude pic of herself, I don't think she is taking this relationship serious.

   My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.