Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's discouraging when you write out your life plans on a post-it and still have enough room to take a message.

   Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! -

   Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.

   Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.

   I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"

   "I never say never." Liars...

   Tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday or your kid will end up having the gardener’s nose.

   Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

   As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

   I think Christmas is cats favorite holiday. A big tree to climb on complete with all kinds of things that you can whap onto the floor.

   Mexican hookers plan to drill glory holes in Trump's wall.

   When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.

   s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?

   When I was 10 years old, people that had over 50 seemed so old... wreckled... slow... I'm going to have 55 in a month.. it is not that bad! But people in their 90's look so old...

   This NFL Experience is so real they even have a back room full of white girls & cocaine

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Turns out,the ball washer at the golf course is just for golf balls..I owe that trio of nuns an apology .

   I used to work at a bakery. It was a crumby job, but I made a lot of dough.

   My wife likes it doggie style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   1. Lemon 2. Ice 3. Me Things my wife doesn't want in cider