Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It costs you nothing to pay someone a compliment. Be nice to someone today. Kindness is contagious.

   If your city doesn't have a jazz or classical radio station, chances are your neighbors own lots of guns.

   I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.

   Well slap my ass and call me a McDonald's ice cream machine, 'cause I'm broke.

   I don't want to live anymore I'm going on vacation to Santo Domingo

   The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.

   I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

   Fashion in the 90s either looked like you hadn’t showered in weeks or like you were Tinkerbell. There was no in between.

   People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania. He was going to b

   You can save 15% or more on your HOSPITAL BILL by switching to BLM.

   One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love and they pepper spray you.

   ...it's ok that it's not movie quality!.

   So a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of f@*king joke???"

   I have decided this Valentines I am going to get prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so ..

   Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time

   I've got 99 problems, so I metaphorically placed each one in a luftballoon and then send them on their way to the horizon.

   Oprah donated her $ to build a school on another country tax free. Thats ok, no kids here need help..she celebrates presidents day by owning a president..Fweeeeeee

   Today is Ash Wednesday, the day that I get to go around and tell people they have a nice "ash" and not get funny looks or get in trouble.

   B!tch on hardcore pawn got called..'pepperoni ass' I think America jus got its new catch phrase

   We have a robot that shoots lasers, they have a fruit. I think androids win.