Funny Status Messages
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You should learn from the past, live for today, and look forward to tomorrow... I'm gonna take a nap! 
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Just saw a "for lease" sign, I painted "navidad" under it ...
After searching Justin Bieber’s house, police say his only crime is calling what he does music
I asked her to take me somewhere I have never been before and she took me to church. :(
Only if women knew how special it makes a man feel when you wake him up in the middle of the night to give you some coz you are feeling horny.
If you ever think that English is not a shtty language, just remember that read and lead rhyme, and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead
No honey, I love your constant input on my driving
I'm just a girl with a big butt, searching for a man who cannot lie.
Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..
If I lived beneath a tap dancer I think I would just put really powerful magnets on my ceiling.
I let my 4 yr old watch Ghostbusters last week & now she has nightmares. What part of "I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts" did she not understand?!
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I'm not really happy being a human. Is there a way to go a step back and be a monkey?
I've met 10 people from my Facebook and only 7 of them tried to kill me or stick things in my butt
[me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.
Dear dryer, I think you have an eating disorder. Sincerely, now missing 13 socks.
Dear Car in Front of Me: I'm not tailgating. I'm drafting.
I would probably buy my wife a lot more flowers if they were a plant that I could smoke and get high on once it died and dried out. 