Funny Status Messages
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Cam Newton's winning the Heisman surprised no one - especially Julian Assange, who knew about it a month ago. 
"When they're not fighting or racing light cycles, I'll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support" -Conan OBrien
My TV remote control is kicking my butt at hide and seek
wondering why villians just don't shoot Batman in the chin?
Have to show ID at the Pharmacy to by 6 dollars of OTC cold medicine but I can go to the ABC store and buy a truckload of booze and they won't even card me. Wait a minute, does that mean I'm old. . .... . .
Change is inevitable,except from vending machines.
the best things in life...involve rum!
Sometimes I think the world would be much better without so much technology. ~ Sent from my iPhone.
When I flush spiders down the toilet, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm simply letting them experience their own private Raging Waters.
Chills and they're multiplying
The world is at peace when you're eating a hamburger.
She doesn't trust him an inch. If she doesn't find any strange hairs on his jackets she just accuses him of having an affair with a bald woman.
thinks it's funny that the Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.
No one can do everything, BUT everyone can do something!!!
If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.
The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."
Hey!!! It's a "pedestrian crosswalk" you douche, not a "leap in front of my car like a freaking maniac walk!"
A hangover will occupy a head that wasn't used the night before.
When you tell a kid "maybe" all they here is "I swear on my life this will DEF happen!"
"Give me a scotch. I'm starving." 