Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
The best way to tell if you just got your ass kicked and lost the fight? The cops run to him and the paramedics run to you. 
Official #Facebook IPO slogan: "You've already wasted your time on Facebook. Now waste your money."
It's not that I can't sleep it's more like sleep is really boring.
If I was ever given just one month to live, I'd watch a baseball game. It's an eternity.
I'm a great musician. I was playing my trumpet at 5am when my neighbor threw a brick through my window. He must've wanted to hear me better.
How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can.
"I don't care what anyone thinks!" - People who care what everyone thinks
Does anyone remember Tom's last name from Myspace? If he has a Facebook page I want to be his friend. I mean, he was there for me.
If I can just make it one more day without some kid that I've never seen before wishing me a happy father's day this weekend will be a success.
GUYS: dont you just love it when your girlfriends friends have worse relationships than yours!!!!
honesty is a very expensive thing that I wouldnt expect from cheap people
it true that the secret fantasy of a frustrated Amish woman is two Mennonite?
My favorite kinds of lists,,,,, # 1: short lists
Sometimes I Blue-Ball myself to start my day. That way I'll be just as angry as the rest of humanity and fit right in.
Always be nice to the kid who owns the baseball
getting to work on time only makes the day longer
I'm one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it's more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn't have legalized marijuana.
I want to lose weight but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams 